Noel Cho, MA, LMFT, LPC
One of the most common reasons couples cite for coming to couples counseling is communication issues. This often comes from people who have close relationships with friends, family members, and others. I know they have the skills for healthy communication so why does it often seem like such a big problem in relationships.
When people tell me that they have a communication problem, I believe what they are really telling me is that when they are in conflict, they have trouble working through the conflict together. They do not understand their partner and they do not feel understood by their partner. And that actually makes sense. When we are in conflict, our brains go on high alert because our nervous systems are telling us that we are in danger. That is our brain doing exactly what it is supposed to be doing, keeping us safe. Our brains are constantly scanning the environment for danger. When it senses danger, some people activate their defense systems, some people activate their attack systems and some people shut down. When our brain senses that danger, we are not trying to listen, understand or care for the other person. The focus is on ourselves and we are trying to make sure that we are safe.
In this case, even though our brain is doing exactly what it is supposed to be doing, the behavioral response may not be helpful for our intimate relationships. Therefore, if we want to change our communication pattern we have to be intentional about changing our response. Another way to think about it, if we want to re-wire our brains and change the neural pathways being used for how we respond during conflict, we first have to build the neural pathway.
The first step is to slow down the response and increase awareness that old communication patterns are being activated. The next time you notice an old unhelpful communication pattern being triggered, first pause and take a breath. Remind yourself that you are trying something new.
Next, try implementing the following 6 key elements of emotional attunement. If you are listening to your partner share their perspective, emotional attunement expresses that you are paying attention and that you care. You are providing reassurance that the relationship is safe. If you are the speaker sharing a story and someone demonstrates emotional attunement, you will likely feel seen, heard, understood and cared for. When we are able to stay calm, curious, and compassionate we can communicate to our partner that we are not in relational danger. This will help create a new communication pattern in your relationship.
Six elements to help express emotional attunement
Seeing
Noticing the other person’s face, body language, posture
Tune-in to non-verbals: facial expression, tone of voice, eye contact, comfortableness with touch, etc.
Hearing
What are the facts of the story they are telling you, what are the emotions
Give them your undivided attention, listen carefully
Tell me more about…
Understanding
Check-in to make sure you are understanding them correctly
Sounds like…, is that right?
Validating
Connect with their experience
Does their response make sense to you, regardless of how you would have experienced it or responded (this is not about you)
I can see how you would feel that way.
I would have felt that way too.
Empathizing
What do you feel for them
I’m excited that you had an amazing experience
I’m frustrated for you at the injustice
I’m sad about the loss and grieve with you
Giving Joy
Express gratitude for the vulnerability they shared with you
Thank you for sharing that with me. I am honored you trust me.
Ideally both partners would be willing to engage in expressing emotional attunement to one another. But even if one person changes the way they respond, it is likely to change the dynamics and response of the other person. Focus on your part, focus on listening to your partner first rather than their response. If both parties commit to doing that, your communication will improve.
References
Lehman, K. (2014). Outsmarting yourself. This JOY! Books.
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