Rebecca Parks, MA, LMFT Associate
Supervised by Cristy Ragland, MA, LPC-S, LMFT-S, RPT-S™
If you have not already, you can read Part One of Rebecca’s summary of “The Other Half of Church” here and Part Two here.
In Part One and Part Two of this series we introduced the problem of “half-brained Christianity” and discussed the first two ingredients necessary for healthy soil to build full-brained Christianity: joy and hesed. In Part Three, we will explore Hendricks’ final two ingredients needed to build strong communities: group identity and healthy correction.
Group Identity
The first two ingredients that are discussed in “The Other Half of Church”, joy and hesed, primarily speak to the emotional states and right-brain activities that need to be cultivated in faithful, intimate communities. Group identity speaks to the values and character traits that individuals in tightly bonded communities share and reinforce together.
“Instead of focusing primarily on what we believe, group identity answers the questions ‘As followers of Jesus, what kind of people are we? How do the people of God act?’”
In Scripture, we find various examples of Jesus and New Testament writers describing how God’s people, individuals whose identities are shaped by the group they belong to, act. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus addresses how God’s children respond to conflict, financial issues, marriage, promise-making, etc. In Colossians, Paul paints the picture of God’s people being “clothed with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience”. These words were not meant to be a checklist of rules for good behavior; they provide a vision of what naturally pours out of people who are shaped by being part of the group, the children of God.
Group Identity & The Brain
It is said, “you are who you hang out with”. This old adage is strongly supported by the design of our brain. Our right-brain holds the control centers that form identity and make sense of our relational experiences, functions which are interconnected. Identity and relationships are linked, causing group identity to be crucial in forming character.
“We define character as our embedded automatic responses to our relational environment, our instantaneous behavior that flows from our heart…Our automatic responses to distress (faster than conscious thought) can be trained by our group identity.”
This truth is doubly important when you consider that automatic responses are not a product of willpower, yet largely informed by the habits, values, and character we have seen from our closest, hesed attachments. The values of those we have hesed with become ingrained in our own right-brain and value system, ultimately directing our decision-making and behavior (left-brain functions).
Shallow Group Identity
Many factors affecting Christian communities today contribute to the formation of shallow group identity and low hesed. First, our individualistic culture cultivates independent mindedness and disconnection. While people used to remain close to family members, it is now more common for people to spread out from family and lose the importance of group identity.
Secondly, the Church has been dissected by denominational doctrines and styles. Christians primarily attach themselves to denominational groups based on shared, left-brain doctrinal beliefs or preferred activities (behaviors), not around values or character. A more recent trend within the church is for people to form identity around the personality of a lead pastor, creating a breeding ground for narcissistic abuse and toxic group identities. Likewise, forming identity around shared trauma or addiction, while helpful to bond people through hardship, may not lead to long-term stable, character-centered group identity.
Healthy Group Identity
“Churches should be driven by one personality – the personality of Christ.”
Churches can form healthy, Christ-centered group identity by regularly talking about what God’s people are like and how they act. Leadership may integrate messaging and intentional practices during gatherings that repeatedly reiterate the character traits of Christ and His followers, not just the behavior.
Regular reminders to one another about how Christ acted and how He instructed we should reflect his character reinforce our group identity. Joy and hesed bolster a strong, trusting community that makes space for moments of correction. We all need reminders from people who love us to act like our best selves, in line with our identity and values.
“Underneath these forgetful [behavioral] moments are subtle distortions in our identities and values…The roots of our group identity deepen and spread when we remind each other who we are.”
Healthy Correction
The fourth and final ingredient Hendricks’ identifies for healthy relational soil is healthy correction.
As communities seek to build hesed, joy, and strong group identity, there will inevitably be moments when identity breaks down and character malfunctions. Henderson asserts that the skill of healthy correction, when done well, is how people help one another correct their character malfunction and get back to who God is calling them to be.
Character & Shame
A common misunderstanding about character is that it is built by moral decisions and understanding truth. Contrary to this belief, brain science has shown that character is actually formed by our brain drawing on two different libraries of information: 1) our history of observing how we should act and 2) what “our people” value. Thus, observing Christ-like character and hearing about it often begins to shape our own choices and morality toward that of Christ’s character.
“Shame, then, is the pain signal related to our character and behavior when our behavior becomes something others want to avoid.”
So, how does shame support our character building?
Your first response may be, “It doesn’t, shame isn’t helpful at all. Shame feels bad!”
And you wouldn’t be wrong. Shame does feel painful in the moment. Yet, “neuroscience reveals that shame is necessary for character to change”.
Many of us have been inundated with an unhealthy understanding of shame and its role in our character formation. Rather than seeing shame as a beneficial, necessary ingredient for strong relationships, we hide and avoid shame. This is because toxic shame has been more prevalent than healthy shame in our environments, in and outside the church.
Toxic vs. Healthy Shame
“Toxic shame communicates the message ‘you are bad’...Toxic shame leaves us alone in our shame.”
One of the biggest differences between toxic shame and healthy shame is the absence of relational affirmation. Toxic shame is, often, communicated with harsh, verbal generalizations about a person and the bad choices they made. Toxic shame communicates a problem with behavior and character but does not offer a relational solution, rather leaving the person disconnected, torn down, and alone to solve it themself.
“Correcting someone using healthy shame is couched in relationship. When I use shame in a healthy way, I always affirm the relationship above the problem.”
Healthy shame, on the other hand, always and only follows after an affirmation and reminder of your hesed (strong relational bond) with the object of your correction. The corrector reinforces their care and commitment to the relationship before introducing shame. Healthy shame communicates the message, “I love you. I believe you stopped acting like who we (group identity) are. Let me help you.”
Healthy Correction
When we understand healthy shame, we can offer healthy correction to those in our communities. Healthy correction includes reminders of hesed, identifying how someone stopped acting like themself, and reaffirms group identity and values. Some pain is involved in healthy correction, yes. We need the momentary pain of shame for our brain to signal the need for change, and we need the comfort of loving and joyful attachments within our group to be able to tolerate the pain of shame and experience change.
“Relational pain signals need relational solutions.”
Because toxic shame is so rampant in culture, the ability to receive correction may be underdeveloped in communities. Partly because even healthy shame may feel like condemnation for those who have only experienced toxic shame or for those who do not know how to protect themselves from condemnation. Healing from the trauma of toxic shame and condemnation may be necessary before healthy correction can be heard.
Additionally, self-justification is a common block to receiving healthy correction. Communities should help their people be wary of arguments and self-justifications that prevent healthy correction becoming an accepted practice within the group.
Churches and communities can train their people on how to give and receive healthy corrections. Part of this training is teaching the ability to identify toxic shame and condemnation and wholly reject it. Henderson, also, suggests groups use scripts to regularly practice giving healthy correction that 1) affirms relationship and group identity and 2) honestly calls out missteps, until the language becomes a natural part of the group.
Healthy correction is a necessary ingredient for character formation, once joy, hesed, and group identity have been strongly established. Communities need to speak through the love and bonds of their people to redirect each other to all that God made them to be, to exemplify the character of Christ.
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